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Sunday, April 29, 2007

NASA had planned on studying the effects of weightlessness on vegetables, but the crew loaded Steven Hawking instead. NASA spokesman Tom Johnson said that while Hawking can't move on his own, clearly he can think and communicate so he's not a vegetable and besides thats not the type of vegetable they were talking about anyway. A committee has been formed to prevent this from happening again.

On a side note reporters asked Hawking what it was like to be out of his wheelchair and he said being crippled still pretty much sucks...even without the chair.

Friday, April 27, 2007

We've been so successful in the war on terror that Al Queda now has to teach recruits the proper method of un-assing a burning building in a hurry.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Archaeologists in Brazil discover the lost capital of Lilliput, and sadly, the remains of Gulliver.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Jousting is making a comeback at retirement homes across Europe. It's mainly used as a tie breaker for Bridge tournaments.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

In a big break from traditional scouting methods the Atlanta Braves have drafted Martha Johnson, a librarian from Atlanta, as their number one relief pitcher. "She's a non-traditional hire but she can bring the heat and she has a nasty change up." says Braves spokesman Tom Duren.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Look Mom! I'm gay!
Researchers at the South Dakota Fish and Wildlife commission inadvertantly discovered the origin of the bagpipes when they performed the Heimlich manuever on swans.

Amid the peace and tranquility that permeates the hallowed grounds of Augusta National, scientists are quietly testing new mind reading technology. Lets listen in on the thoughts of Richie Ramsay of Scottland as he quietly contemplates a missed shot at The Masters..."FU#K!, what is so G#d D%MN hard about putting the FU*%#NG ball in the G^D D#MN HOLE!?!? And the whole Fu#king world saw it....D%MN IT!"

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

China collaborated with The Disovery Channels Pimp My Ride show to put the finishing touches on their lunar rover. In addition to the Gansta Gold paint it's riding on 8 inch Spyro Rims, has a 62 inch spoiler on the rear, a Blaupunkt stereo with 16 inch subwoofers and a Sony PS3 console. The vehicle will be featured in a new series about each country that has a lunar mission in the works that will be titled Pimp My Lunar Rover.

The shows creators had some trouble explaining why a lunar rover with a top speed of 1.3 mph needs a spoiler, why an unmanned mission needs a PS3 and a stereo, and they had a great deal of difficulty with the exact translation of "thats just how I rove bitch!" which they painted on the rear of the lunar module.