OMG...scientists have intercepted my dreams...a young Kathy Ireland on a beach full of lubricant.

Astronomers are stunned to discover that Venus has a moon.

Rema Fakih becomes the first Arab-American to win the Miss USA contest. This explains the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. If there are chicks like this covered up in burqa's anywhere in the world then we need to fight to free them. I think I speak on behalf of all servicemen when I say that I'd fight for that.

Oh HELL YEAH! THATS what I want in a Miss America contestant. This chick should win EVERY year automatically, the rest can compete for second place. Heck this should be the only event in the competition. Does anyone really care if she can play the piano or what her thougths are on imigration policy? No. The only thing people care about is seeing her undressed so lets skip the formalities, make this a 30 minute weekly show, and vote year round.

In addition to being the first Supreme Court Justice with no experience, Elena Kagan might be the first ugly "Elena" in history. I submit the following:

Elena Anaya:

Elena Dementieva:

Elena Gonzolez:

Even the Greeks can bring some heat here....Elena Paparizou:

And then there is Elena Kagan...if you put her in one of those Supreme Court robes she's gonna look like Belushi at a toga party in Animal House...was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?

Elena Kagan has been nominated to be a supreme court justice. With no experience as a judge to back up her nomination to be one of the top judges in the nation, the conversation quickly spiraled downward to other less important topics. Here she describes how big she likes her sub sandwiches.

Being this fat and this ugly it's a darn good thing justice is blind. If you take the earrings off then she looks an awful lot like Dick Morris (the old Clinton advisor).

This seems like a strong response for a one-dog riot.

It's getting so bad in Greece that even the dogs are taking to the streets...and what kind of bad-ass dog is not only immune to tear gas...but rares up and takes it in?

Does this not look like Frankenstein?

Tony Stewart's team says they are having a difficult time figuring out why he's not winning races. I'll tell you why...it's because you've got Humpty Dumpty driving the car...hell...Weight Watchers should be Tony's new sponsor.

Major Leage Baseball introduces a new 7th inning stretch entertainment piece in an attempt to make baseball more interesting. It's free nacho's for the fan that makes it across the field without getting tasered.

Fans cheered wildly as the chase evolved. The first contestant Jimmy Rollins said "I wasn't prepared for the quickness of that tubby rent-a-cop...he's really got some foot speed and the taser adds a good 15 feet to his reach. When it hits you it's lights out...I got burn marks on my ass, a face full of grass...and no nachos".

Gary Coleman watches as President Obama signs Obamacare into existence.

Duuuuude....I would SO be spanking the monkey...

Democratic Representative Eric Massa is in trouble for groping and sexually harasssing male employees. Despite mounting evidence Massa insists that he is not gay.

He admits that he groped the male employee but that he did it to "tickle him until he couldn't breathe, then 4 guys jumped on top of me"...Dude...that is pretty gay...like WAY gay.

He went on to say that he has humped a few dudes in the butt before, but that it was just horsing around "like everyone does"...guys being guys so to speak. Then he asked the interviewer if he wanted the traditional post-interview hand-job...nothing gay about it...just tradition. When the interviewer refused he then jumped him, tickled him until he couldn't breathe and "snorkled" him.

Scientist are unsure why Sophia Loren begins to look more like Elton John the older she gets.

9 out of 10 riot police say that their worst fear is their balls catching on fire...it's gonna hurt and nobody is gonna blow it out for you.

Using a new MRI technique scientists were able to capture this image from the brain of a dreaming dog.

What an ass.

The Obama administration was able to find 5 doctors that agreed with the new health care bill...they said the total goes up to 6 if you count Dr. J who also agrees with it.

Porn star Tera Patrick is currently touring with the USO and said she was moved by how often service men said they take her picture to Iraq. She mis-heard...they said they take it to "my rack". This helps explain the sudden rise (no pun intended) in carpel tunnel syndrome among the troops.