Vienna's Petr Vorisek gets the elusive hat trick by kicking three balls at one time. 

Officials at the little league world series are receiving numerous complaints about the team being fielded, trained, and coached by Barry Bonds.  

Marylands Juan Dixon gets a 3 game suspension for giving Lonny Baxter a hickey after their win over Indiana. 

Afghanistan kicks off its first NASCAR race with the Haj 500. They plan to schedule more races in the future, and as their country develops they plan to use real cars instead of farm animals, and they had planned an exchange program for fans but all of the American fans cancelled their flights when they heard beer was against the law. 

Prince Harry, in a game of one-upsmanship, shows former President Clinton how it's done. "This isn't some chubby intern you wanker, the Prince of England gets more ass than a toilet seat, so bugger off Clinton"

A palestinian rifle squad in combat. Standard issue gear is one hat, one rifle, and no hearing protection. When the first guy gets shot, the second guy gets the rifle and the hat.

Scientists use the latest genetic engineering techniques to create the worlds first cloned Sasquatch. Lead scientist Turd Ferguson says "They are rarely seen in the wild because, contrary to popular belief, they don't get much bigger than this." 

We had a clairvoyant read Donald Trumps mind during a recent photo shoot.
"I'm an old man...and I'm nailing her...you're fired"

Lance Bass is in training to become an Ass-tronaut, he'd like to be the first man to go to Uranus.

I'm not sure what's going on here but ever since that gay cowboy movie came out things have been crazy in the midwest. 

Zoologists say this is very unusual behavior, panda's don't usually attack two on 1.  

Mel Gibson is diagnosed with Alco-hitler-zheimers, a disease where you can't remember that you hate Jews until you're drunk.

In a recent interview Jamie Foxx appeared distracted and said that the Miami Vice movie was the breast thing that ever happened to him. He admitted he prefers the boob tube to the big screen, and that melon balls are his favorite desert.  

Phillip Morris regional vice president Mike Hammacher PROVES that smoking is not bad for your health by smoking a lifetime supply of cigarettes in one minute and twenty five seconds.  

Israel is trying desperately to stop the flow of weapons into Lebanon. Just this morning they arrested this woman, seen here smuggling cannon balls into Beirut. 

As part of an international effort to bring relief to the middle east, the cop from the Village People is performing in Beirut for the next week. 

The middle easts version of "pen-pals" Here an Israeli girl writes "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you fire at me bounces off and blows up on you". 

This is a bad news/good news situation for Israel. The bad news is that terrorists are so determined that even the elderly are getting in on the action, the good news is that this lady has alzheimers and can't remember which direction to shoot it.  

Cheerleaders for the newly named San Francico Packers, the NFL's first openly gay football team. Don't let the fact that these guys are gay fool you, they live to be in the endzone...well..what I mean is they really want to score on those guys on the other team...ahhh thats not the best way to put it..they can play on both sides of the ball...nope..well let me just talk about our defense a bit...NOBODY can cover a tightend like these guys...ah dang...that didn't come out right either..lemme just turn it over the the cheerleaders. Gimme an "H"....gimme an "I"...gimme a "V"...wait...we've already got that. 

Sheik Fuq'my Ownsistah of the Royal Palestinian Artillery and Flatulence Brigade unleashes a furious volley against targets in Israel.