Madonna is attempting to adopt another african child. Apparently infant males from third world countries are the only demographic she has not yet slept with.

Nice melons lady!

David Letterman unveils his own "stimulus" plan. Look at Dave's face...that is the look of a man who's trying not to get a boner on TV.

In response to customer feedback on how to make the swimsuit edition better, Sports Illustrated now prints a life-sized version.

Our live mic picked up this whispered conversation as President Obama spoke with a homeless woman at a Ft. Myers town hall meeting:

"Get your broke ass out of here and quit putting me on the spot in front of the whole nation."

Unable to control the practical jokes, Joe Biden continues to provide loud flatulance at the official close of each press conference.

Researchers aren't sure why this type of monkey shaves it's posterior, but they say it must have something to do with a mating ritual 'cause somebody knocked that monkey ass straight in.

Michael Phelps says the only thing faster than him through the water is bong smoke. This picture explains the earlier stories about his 12,000 calorie a day intake. Turns out all 12,000 calories were in the form of pizza, dorito's, brownies...

The arrows point to hinges, which are commonly present on doors. The savior of the democratic party on the left is attempting entry into the whitehouse through a window...which, notably, lacks the hinges necessary for access. I bet George W. Bush is laughing his ass off right now.

If the muslims ran this country they would cover this up with a bag. WTF?

I put my Kung Fu in your FACE!!

US Officials say the alarming trend among muslim nations to use children as soldiers will have far reaching impact on our training. "we're definately going to have to start using smaller targets on the range and emphasize the importance of aiming low."

Doctors confirm that Apple CEO Stephen Jobs has "macbook air" disease...because that's how skinny it makes you before you die.

Ricardo Montalban has died, and with him die the hopes and dreams of countless Philipino midgets who hoped to someday co-star a midday sitcom drama with him.

US Airways is now offering double-sky miles for any flight that terminates in the water.

California Rep Henry Waxman...this guy looks like an angry dick with ears.

Kerry: "see...there's the glass ceiling right there."

Clinton: " oh yeah! I can see it now!"

Tim Tebow and former Florida QB Chris Leak celebrate their winning of the BCS championship with a slow dance in the endzone.

Crystal Harris is the newest girlfriend of Hugh Heffner. She describes herself as "as good girl, for the most part."

Yeah...except for the part where she sleeps with wrinkly old dudes for money and fame.

Bill Richardson resigns his post as Obamas Secretary of Commerce to take a lead vocals position with Los Lobos. Richardson says he hates to do it but the Commerce gig doesn't get near as much leg as singing lead for a Latino band.