The call every guy dreads getting at work "honey do you want the news about the pool first or about the car first?"

The rude hand gestures, the uncontrollable anger, the naked chick emblem on the jersey...it's always easy to spot the soccer fans at daycare.

In light of the Supreme Courts recent affirmation of the 2nd Amendment, critics soundly agreed that if you don't like the 2nd amendment then you must not like this picture, and if you don't like this picture then you must be a homo.

Critics were delighted to learn that the Chinese would allow a Tibetan monk to carry the Olympic torch...then dismayed to find out how they lit it.

You know, the big cock jokes could be endless on this one...

Holy shit! A buck fifty-nine for regular!!!

Psychologists develop basic test that determines if a child will grow up gay or straight...this kid is clearly on the right track.

Abi Titmus ( I shit you not...that is her real name) poses for a picture at the 2008 World Poker Championship. When asked about her Poker Face, 9 out of 10 competitors said "Her face isn't the only thing I'd like to poke".

She also holds the record for most hands won with just a pair.

The hidden dangers of tennis: Croatia's Mario Ancic is down for the count after being drilled in the nuts by a 130 MPH serve...it hurt so bad that the line judge cried.

Capuchin monkeys are gaining popularity as helpers for the disabled. Jake Smith (right) says the monkey is a great helper, he can make sandwiches, get the paper, the only drawback is when he gets frustrated and throws his own feces at me.

Alright, here's the deal. The famous underwear model Adriana Lima will be in Memphis a lot to watch her gay boyfriend play basketball for the Grizzlies. If you want to keep seeing her in the Victorias Secret magazine you're going to have to help make sure she stays away from the BBQ joints, the chicken wing joints, the catfish places, etc.

If you see her eating ANY fried food just tell her she looks fat in whatever it is she's wearing at the time. Do your part to keep supermodels super.

Yep, the first gay couples are getting married in California and what better way to do it than dressing up as the Marlboro man...cause you know they'll both be puffing one tonight.

I apologize for the lack of recent activity...I was on vacation in Nerdistan.

8 billion cell phone cameras on the planet and these 5 couldn't come up with one? Hell this ESPN camera man was ALL OVER it. What are kids waiting on? I weep for our future.

Scooter riders are going to great lengths to convince themselves that they're not girlie men.

NASA has put it's 3rd robotic spacecraft on Mars, which is funny because for a group that claims UFO's don't exist they sure seem to be launching a lot of them.

After years of conflicting studies doctors now say they are preeeettty damn sure that alcohol does NOT kill cancer cells.

Strapped for cash, assisted living centers across the country are making the elderly fight to determine who receives the limited prescription drugs they have available.

In an effort to boost 2nd quarter sales Apple says if everyone buys an IPOD this month they'll take the next picture without it.

Abdul displays the new Summer-weight Jihad Mask (with nose slit). Insurgents across the middles east say you sacrifice some anonymity but it's much more comfortable than the old model. American snipers enjoy the mask as well because the nose slit allows for easier alignment of the vertical scope reticle.

Horses everywhere revolt over the treatment of Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby.

TPC Afghanistan. "We can't play the back nine anymore due to landmines, there's usually a sniper on Hole 3, and I wouldn't play the Par 5 hole without air support, but you can always get a tee time."

In an effort to make horse racing more exciting and "gladiator-like" the Kentucky Derby has begun killing the 2nd place finisher in front of the crowd.

The rowed like this for 4 hours before they figured out why they weren't getting anywhere.

Justin Timberlake sings for help as an old, STD infested, ho-bag Madonna throws him into the wall and grinds her privates on him. Timberlake said during counselling afterward "I'm in this to hit the younger chicks...my demographic is 18 to 25...and based on what I felt up against my leg...Madonna might be a man."

Designers create the first safe sex clothing...the condom skirt.

This gives a whole new meaning to Foul Ball.

Billy Ray Cyrus and his daughter Hanna Montana perform their latest hit "Baby girl's a Ho-Bag and Daddy don't care".

Spike Lee releases his latest movie Outback Fever to critical acclaim.

I don't know what surprises me more; that Danica Patrick won a race or that the second place trophy is so small.

Megan Fox was just voted the sexiest woman in the world by FHM magazine. Fox was the star of the recent film "Transformers" which is essentially a movie about tranforming small tools into larger tools. Respondents said she did a VERY good job in that particular role. The editors also noted that most men polled said that Megan Fox is the one who should be getting "poled".

Scientists create an invisible ring-taile lemur...seen here carrying a baby on it's back.

Funds are so tight in the Clinton campaign that hitch-hiking is now the standard mode of travel.

In a desperate effort to look more human and likeable Hillary Clinton has begun a "hugging campaign". Here she is seen forcing a hug on a voter and accidentally crushing their face into a hard metal broach on her lapel. Voters say it's an awkward and painful experience that causes many to favor Obama.

The men of the cult in Texas, caught up in the idea of having multiple wives, were quite disappointed when they all turned out to look like this. New recruits to the cult say these aren't the women that were used in the recruiting literature. "I never would have signed on if I knew the Little House on the Prairie theme was going on. I never wanted to nail Mrs. Ingalls much less the old lady from Big Valley...I'm outta here."

The pope waited a full 5 minutes before they explained to him that no altar boys were going to pop out of the cake. He said that at these catholic parties the cake usually blows HIM out.

Herschel Walker reveals that he has multiple personality disorder. Experts say that one of the personalities led to him endangering himself in games of Russian Roullette, they say he was lucky though as one of his other personalities wanted to be an NFL running back. Psychologists quickly point out that less than 1% of all multiple personality disorder victims ever rush for more than 8,000 yards in the NFL.

It would be difficult for me to concentrate knowing that I was making $21,000 per stroke.

Arnold Palmer is now so old he has to use a club with a waffle iron for a head just to make contact.

In the event of a tie in Japanese baseball the team mascots fight to the death to determine the winner.

This is your annual reminder that we are winning the war on terror. If we lose, the Miss America contestants will be forced to wear Burqa's.

Disney's Kung Fu Panda directors cut this panda orgy scene from the film after explaining to the film crew that this isn't what they meant by "stuffed animals".

The side of meerkats the Discovery Channel doesn't want you to see.

Referring to Hillary's recent imbellishments regarding snipers on her trip to Bosnia, experts all agree that the only person that had to worry about being shot with something while she was on that trip was Monica Lewinsky.

Just when you thought the the entire middle-east was full of crazy jihadists...Lebanon busts out with a lingerie fashion show. There is hope for those people after all.

Mike Huckabees family tree.

This is why Americans don't like soccer. These Europeans don't get the fundamental rules of hugging. First of all if you must hug...DO NOT try to mount me.

Barack Obama got the name for his book "The Audacity of Hope" from a sermon by his firebrand preacher. If that title was already copyrighted he planned on using another of his preachers sermon titles called "Kill Whitey"

They said it couldn't be done, but the worlds first blind 100 meter hurdler is coming to the olympics. He doesn't nail them all, and he's only hoping for a bronze, but this is clearly an historic moment.

NY Governor Elliot Spitzer has hired Koby Bryant as an advisor to help him through this difficult crisis. Koby suggested the Governor will have to buy a diamond this big to get the marital problems settled.

Body language experts analyzing Spitzers press conference say his facial expression here is frequently interpreted as remorse but in reality it is a pain filled grimace as he's attempting to tell us "she actually has me by the balls behind the podium...ow...my balls"