AFLAAAAAAC!!!!!  

When can you bust your ass twice in the final round and STILL take home silver? When you are Sasha Cohen...thats when. The International Olympic Committee is now looking at reducing the number of male judges on the female figure skating panel to correct for the "hot-chick" bias that lesser talented, and uglier skaters believe exists. 

Pictured is the streaker that ran through the Olympic Curling event yesterday. Thankfully authorities were able to stop him before he choked his chicken. 

Nascar commission figures out why more women aren't attending the races. 

The first ever muslim womens biatholon team placed last in the race for the gold. The team cited 5-times a day prayer rituals, and the inability to use their normal rifle (the AK-47) as reasons for coming up short.

"We took jobs as janitors to stay in shape during the off season." 

The judges were so impressed that they gave them a 10 for the dismount...and that's not even a scoreable category in skating. 

Hans Frichtenstein wins the gold in freestyle ski jumping. The silver and bronze medals were awarded posthumously. 

Skating is introduced to it's first heterosexual male skater during the Torino winter olympics. 

Ahhhh...THIS is why guys get into figure skating. I'll give you one guess which of these two kept pushing for this move in the routine. 

London fertility clinic sponsors soccer team.  

Synchronized boredom. 

The excitement and high drama of the Olympics is personified by the Canadian Curling Coach as he cheers his team on. "sweeeep! SWEEEEEP DAMNIT!! Sweep you sweeping bastards! Sweep like you've wanted to sweep here your whole lives!!"  

Bush releases his new plan to seal the border.
Cheney was quoted as saying "I can't wait to shoot some cans with this thing....MEXIcans that is."

Israeli police are ordered to immediately begin a weighlifting and boxing program after one woman held the entire force at bay for 6 hours. 

You'd look sad too...we all know dang well how those ears got strechted out. 

"I didn't mean to hit them...they just stood there like a beer in the headlights." 

Pakistanis, furious over the charicatures of their most holy prophet Mohammed took to the streets and struck a mighty blow against the Americans...by burning Ronald McDonald and spanking him on the ass with long wooden sticks. The scary part...this country has nukes.