Extreme Scouting

Taking merit badges to a whole new level, the boy scouts have released a series of extreme merit badges for 2006, including the impalement badge. The scouts admit they expect to award only a handful of these awards.

Maxim magainze teamed up with Hot Wheels Inc. to create this years most popular gift for males between the ages of 5 and 100.  

While in Madrid to protest against US involvement in the war on constipation, Cindy Sheehan fell prey to a bad case of blockage herself. She is pictured here re-enacting the final push that freed a large log as she estimates the size of the offending dump for a group of enraptured protesters...

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Three Iraqi medical students showing that they passed their final exam in Proctology.  

UNLESS...she talks back, stays out too late, doesn't have dinner ready on time, doesn't have your coffee "just right", fails to walk 10 steps behind you...come on these type billboards try to generalize everything and wind up doing more harm than good. By the way they stole that pic from Ike and Tina's first album cover. Hit me one more time Ike...and this time put some STANK on it! 

The Raptors point guard Villanueva, long known in the league for his value in zone and man to man defensive schemes; introduces us to his new "three stooges" style defense versus Atlanta.  

Unnur Birna Viljalmsottir from Iceland takes the Miss World title. With this comes the news that Iceland will now officially change its name to Hotland. This post was done largely to counteract the previous post about the gay cowboys...I figured you all needed a little something to get you back on track.  

Hollywood is all abuzz over the new blockbuster movie Bareback Mounting. This is a timeless story about two up and coming Hollywood actors who shoot their carreers in the chest by playing gay cowboys, and in the process give up all female fans forever, will likely have to suffer hordes of gay stalkers until the day they die, and do it all for very little money on a movie that most people will never watch. Word on the street is that their agents are now looking for work.

The jokes are never ending on this one folks. Here are a few that the Vortex has kicked out thus far:

1 - The movie theaters are now serving Fudge at the snack bar.
2 - All people buying tickets to Bareback Mounting have to go in the backdoor.
3 - The firemarshall has a problem with it because the whole theater is flaming and the back door is packed.
4 - It's unclear from the commercials if the cowboys ride the horses or just each other.
5 - Anyone wearing assless chaps gets in for free.

Please add jokes as you think of them.

In it's never ending quest for ratings NBC is bringing a new reality series based on old Atari games. Seen here is a contestant from "Joust" which will air next month. 

So if I'm Tookie Williams I don't know what would depress me more; that Snoop Dog is one of the few people supporting me, or that I had to ask the Terminator to spare my life. 

Uncle Greenspan is back

Well it's been a few months since the Blogapova has ben updated. For a while I was so busy trying to torment the fixed income salesmen of the world by ever-so-slowly tightening the target fed funds rate that I missed out on a lot of comedy in the news. As much fun as it is to torture bond salesmen I think I'll have to pick up the Blogapova, dust it off, and take it out for a drive.




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Proof positive that pet owners don't need to do drugs.  

Local community college has to cancel plans to have a "womens only" parking area after the first night.  

The annual Janitor Olympics continues in Sheboygan with the Squeegee relay. 

Trying to capitalize on the popularity of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and the boxing reality show The Contender, NBC has created a new reality series to capture the fans of both shows. Tune in this fall for Bitchslap. 

It's been a while since I took Psych 101, where did Maslow place Looting on his heirarchy of needs? 

The Army Corps of Engineers has found a solution to the flooding in New Orleans. The Texas Air National guard plans to drop THIS 200 ton dike into place later this week to fill the gap on the 17th street canal. When asked if he thought the plan would work Col Hank Thomson of the Tex Air Natl. Guard responded by spitting tabbacco juice on the tarmac and saying "Hell I don't know, but I've been wanting to kick that bitch out the back of a plane for a long time".  

Officials at the National Zoo in Washington DC have become quite embarrased by a series of Panda Porn tapes that have surface recently on the internet. A zoo spokesman went on record saying "We call these wild animals for a reason. From now on we might need to refer to them as "wild and freaky" animals". 

It's only got 1 horsepower...but it's paid for.  

Indian soldiers set a world record for "Number of people taking cover behind a Suzuki Samari."  

So I had to open about this wide to get a good hold on Sigfried.... 

Japans NHL commisioner handed down a 5 game suspension to number 36 for unsportsmanlike conduct when he mocked the Fuji Wildcats in Thursday nights game.  

Scientists in Tokyo have successfully combined the DNA of a ninja and Don King. 

Reporters asked Keith Richards if he was excited about the upcoming Rolling Stones tour to promote their latest album, titled Alzheimers. He responded by screaming "who the bloody F*!K are the Stoning Rolls?" then threw his hash pipe at the camera man.

A translation error proved embarrassing for Swedens Joakim Haeggman in the Johnnie Walker Championship this week. His caddy told him he had to nail hole 5. A confused Haeggman is seen here staring at his ball during the ordeal.

Cloudy weather is delaying the return of the space shuttle but NASA says if all goes well it should land in either California, New Mexico, or Florida tomorrow. If it doesn't go well it could conceivably land in all three.  

In a misguided effort influence people to boycott KFC, PETA has hired Australian supermodel Sara Jane to pose nude for a poster with some baby chickens. So if we keep eating chicken....you'll keep putting her on the poster naked? Another bucket of spicy and crispy please....hold the slaw...