When I told you to put Jesus in the manger scene I meant the baby Jesus NOT "Jesus" from security.

Zoologists couldn't figure out how the Panda's escaped their pen until reviewing this security camera footage.

And I thought MY rush hour commute was bad. WTF?

Officials say this attack on the President came out well...only two soles were lost.

Texas representative Al Green proves that being a congressman is so easy even a caveman could do it.

If Miss SIBERIA can be this hot how can one argue against global warming?

Think about it...if you put a helmet on that you get Darth Vader.

The Obama's share a laugh at the voting booth this morning when they realize Ralph Nader still has his name on the ballot.

When they said that Watchdog Groups would be at the polls I completely misunderstood...

After all the hate mail I got over the "worlds fattest man gets married" post I thought I'd try to make up to you people...I give you...Giselle.

Forecasters are predicting a full moon for Halloween.

Worlds heaviest man gets married...and it must have been to a lesbian 'cause look at the size of his boobs.

Miss Teen Louisianna USA was ARRESTED for leaving a restaraunt without paying the $46 bill. Arrested. All I can see is a new episode of Chained Heat...and I want an autographed, unedited, directors cut version.

Brad Sciullo of Uniontown, Pa set two world records last week. The first was for eating the worlds largest burger, the other record was set 6 hours later for taking the worlds biggest dump.

Voters fearing John McCains age could play a role in the election weren't reassured when he suffered a massive but short seizure 30 seconds after the debate.

Russia unveils the most awesomely bad-ass cavalry EVER...tigers riding horses...UN-stoppable.

This is Lauriane Gilliéron, Miss Switzerland 2006. She is the reason every man on the planet should know how to say two things in French...or German...or whatever the hell it is that they speak where she's from:

1 - I'm a doctor

2 - I just need to take your temperature with this

Putin recently shot an endangered animal, had his picture taken while doing Judo, and just got a pet tiger for his birthday...he's looking more and more like one of the evil bad guys from a James Bond movie.

Megan Fox say's she once had a relationship with a female stripper named Nikita and that Olivia Wilde is so hot that she makes her want to choke a mountain ox with her bare hands. That's ironic because Megan Fox now makes most men want to choke a chicken with their bare hand.

Maintenance man Carl Rutherford says he tells these kids all the time not to ride their bike on the roof. But do they listen?

After a third inning mis-hap the Chicago Cubs say they will do away with the new velcro jersey.

When did Madonna turn into Dee Schneider from Twisted Sister?

More proof that liberal chicks are fat and ugly.

So McCain pics the Alaska Governor to be the VP and a lot of you people are being juvenile about this whole thing and saying she has a "hot teacher" look about her. She is the future Vice President of the United States and you people need to quit being disrespectful...she is WAY hotter than that. She approaches the legendary status of "hot librarian". Here is a sample of the headlines I envision (some props to Oscar here because he got the headlines started):

-McCain taps Palin as VP

-McCain has big plans for drilling with Palin

-New energy plan calls for laying lots of pipe in Alaska

-Palin is on McCains staff

-Vice Presidents office will now be the Library of Congress (stay with me on the librarian theme)

-McCain promises gusher when he drills in Alaska

If you've got some more headlines post them.

You know...at some point the Olympic Committee has to ask "WTF is this? Who approved this sport?"

Joan Jett is beginning to look like Eddie Van Halen with boobs.

Lets face it...this is more of a "lifestyle" than a sport for some of these guys...

"Hey honey, I think if I shave the dogs ass we might do better at the competition..."

Dude...not cool.

Officials say this is unusual...as much as pot smoking rastafarians love ping-pong their reflexes are so slow that they almost never qualify.

Turns out there's more to the olympics than womens beach volleyball...there's also womens pole vaulting.

I do not understand why this sport isn't on TV year round. We shouldn't have to wait 4 years for shots like this.

President Bush drops the pimp hand while Mandy May backs it up and does the Rump Shaker at the Beach Volley Ball Hip-Hop Party.

Red Sox fans have been voted "meanest home crowd" in MLB after fans tried to keep a season ticket holder from raising his arms to protect his face from a line drive.

Pittsgurghs Lima Sweet has developed a fear of being hit that may be detrimental to his career.

Pakistani's are furious after airlines now allow only one servant to be stored in the overhead bin.

My family said they wanted a dog and it had to be a Boxer...it took forever to find one.

The reason you don't see any co-ed beach volleyball teams is that the guys never see the hand signals.

Old, fat, and wealthy Formula 1 boss Flavio Briatore says anyone who claims money can't buy happiness isn't shopping at the right place...cause he just bought a bunch of it...a freaking bunch of it.

I posted this because...well...everyone knows damn well why this got posted.

Oil companies are resorting to sublminal messages to make fuel prices more attractive.

Bostons Kevin Youkilis has developed a flinch so severe he can't stay in the box even when the ball hits 3 feet in front of the plate. The front office says he'll be sent down to the womens league if he can't get past it by the end of the month.

In response to global criticism of their 5 rocket display last week, the Iranians have performed a massive and more impressive launch this week.

And speaking of the Miss Universe contest here are Miss Pakistan and Miss Iraq in the swimsuit competition.

If I were a Miss Universe judge I'd convince them that I was blind so I could judge the swimsuit competition by brail.

Miss Venezuela was once kidnapped in her home country. The fact that she was released proves that her captors must have been complete homos.

Miss Venezuela shows how she won the judges over in the "backstage" contest.

The call every guy dreads getting at work "honey do you want the news about the pool first or about the car first?"

The rude hand gestures, the uncontrollable anger, the naked chick emblem on the jersey...it's always easy to spot the soccer fans at daycare.