Vienna's Petr Vorisek gets the elusive hat trick by kicking three balls at one time. 

Officials at the little league world series are receiving numerous complaints about the team being fielded, trained, and coached by Barry Bonds.  

Marylands Juan Dixon gets a 3 game suspension for giving Lonny Baxter a hickey after their win over Indiana. 

Afghanistan kicks off its first NASCAR race with the Haj 500. They plan to schedule more races in the future, and as their country develops they plan to use real cars instead of farm animals, and they had planned an exchange program for fans but all of the American fans cancelled their flights when they heard beer was against the law. 

Prince Harry, in a game of one-upsmanship, shows former President Clinton how it's done. "This isn't some chubby intern you wanker, the Prince of England gets more ass than a toilet seat, so bugger off Clinton"

A palestinian rifle squad in combat. Standard issue gear is one hat, one rifle, and no hearing protection. When the first guy gets shot, the second guy gets the rifle and the hat.

Scientists use the latest genetic engineering techniques to create the worlds first cloned Sasquatch. Lead scientist Turd Ferguson says "They are rarely seen in the wild because, contrary to popular belief, they don't get much bigger than this." 

We had a clairvoyant read Donald Trumps mind during a recent photo shoot.
"I'm an old man...and I'm nailing her...you're fired"

Lance Bass is in training to become an Ass-tronaut, he'd like to be the first man to go to Uranus.

I'm not sure what's going on here but ever since that gay cowboy movie came out things have been crazy in the midwest. 

Zoologists say this is very unusual behavior, panda's don't usually attack two on 1.  

Mel Gibson is diagnosed with Alco-hitler-zheimers, a disease where you can't remember that you hate Jews until you're drunk.