What 2nd place looks like at the Worlds Strongest Man contest. 

What mobile phones look like in Pakistan. 

Given the recent uprising by illegal immigrants in our country I thought a brief analysis of the options our country has regarding this issue might be in order. First I thought maybe we could just give them southern California, but the real estate and the weather are far too nice for that option, plus we'd have to move a lot of our military bases and hardware which would involve a lot of logistics, time and money, and we're way too lazy for that.

While I was thinking about moving our military, I thought why don't we just move a portion of our military to Mexico? After all there is no fence, or big ditch to stop us. Furthermore there probably isn't much of a Mexican military to oppose us since every Mexican of war-fighting age is already in LA, Chicago, Denver, Florida or suburban DC. The actual process of annexing Mexico would be a cake walk.

That idea got me thinking about the economic ramifications of annexing our southerly neighbor.

Costs:

About $1,300 in fuel expenses for the invasion force (Texas has volunteered to do it alone, and estimates it should take roughly six hours)
Mexican Labor wouldn't be cheap anymore b/c they'd now be American labor

Benefits:

No passport needed to visit Cancun
Cheap Tequila (not sure if this is a cost or a benefit)
The flip side of Mexican labor now being American labor is we can now tax them.
No more problems with NAFTA
No more illegal aliens, they'd now have a right to be here
We'd have a 51st state. "Newer Mexico"
Fewer Sally Struthers commercials with starving villagers (20% of her work was in Mexico)
More ports for sport-fishing
We could shrink the border patrol as the southern border would be much shorter. They would only have to control the "Newer Mexico" border with Belize.
Invasion would send a clear signal to our neighbors in the "Northern Resource Area" (read Canada) that they could be next.
You wouldn't have to take Spanish in high school anymore...we'd make them take English
We'd get another national holiday..."Cinco De Mayo"
We'd get siestas at work from 10-2 o'clock

Illegal aliens hatch a plan to defeat US forces in Los Angeles.

First they plan to sucker us in by taunting us with a Mexican Flag flying over an upside down U.S Flag on our own soil.

Second, once they get us close they will use their secret weapon on us.

Homeland Security stunned: Mexican Army slips over border disguised as janitors and farm laborers, then captures Los Angeles.

Budget cuts have reduced the scope of this amibtious program but NASA finally delivers. At a press conference last week they unveiled an operational version of the Deathstar.  

Scientists discover the source of global warming, and are changing the name of the theory to "Global Hotting".  

West Virginia teacher arrested for having sex with students. This gets uncle Greenspan upset. In a nation that is known for it's compassion and affluence we have a situation like this in our own country, in our own public schools.

We wonder why children from the poorer states routinely score lower on IQ tests. If you were a kid in West Virginia would you go to class knowing that there was an outside chance that Jabba-the-Hut here in her orange jump suit was going to ask you to stay late for some extra credit? Or would you skip class..take the zero and work in a coal mine the rest of your life not knowing how to add or read but live secure in the knowledge that you avoided a fate worse than death by skipping class?

Fast forward to Tennessee and Florida. Talk about winning the lottery. I'd never miss a class. 103 fever...gotta go to school, never know what might happen. Broken leg...gotta go to school. Moms funeral...gottta go to school. Hell that is such positive reinforcement that I might never quit going to school...I'd become a doctor AND a lawyer..and whatever else it takes a lot of school to accomplish...I'd stay in school until they kicked me out on the off chance that I might get to live out a Van Halen video in real life.

Iraqi barbers can't graduate from cosmetology school until they can shave their own head one handed with a saber. It's tough but this school turns out the finest barbers in Iraq. 

Proof that backs up Gene Simmons' claim that he once got so drunk that he nailed a leopard on his tour bus after a show.

Complaints are beginning to roll in about the NCAA's first openly gay wrestler, seen here executing his trademark move...The Manhandle. 

Ladies, if you've ever wondered what a guy is thinking...this is probably it. 

Hey lady, nice melons! 

Wikus Van Heerden of the South African Cats (# 7 in red) gets ejected for intentional teabagging. New South Wales player Tom Horten says he was unharmed, but adds that that kind of play leaves a bad taste in his mouth.  

Bush is embroiled in what is being dubbed the "Moowinskey" scandal.  

This weekends Pro-Am took 29 hours to complete because Camilo Villegas insisted on creeping up on his ball afer each shot. Tour officials are administering the drug test as we speak.  

Much like the lottery, Salman Rushdie opted to take the present value lump sum payout instead of waiting for his 72 virgins in heaven. 

The reason 99% of men won't see Brokeback Mounain. The force is strong with this one. 

Introducing the Brokeback Mountain Pez dispenser, the company helpline is jammed with calls from fans trying to figure out where the ass is on the dispenser.

Saddam and the boys reminisce over some prosecution torture footage at the trial.